It was the third week into setting up shop and the Federal Communications  Commission sent along Ms Penny Dudek one scorching hot Monday morning. She came with a loud knock which only Ryba was alert enough to hear. The weekend had been particularly heavy and he looked and smelt like he’d just had a gangbang with some livestock. He later defended the decision to answer on the grounds that because nobody had ever knocked on the door before, it could’ve been somebody important “in a good way”.

Nobody agreed.

“Hi, my name is Ms Penny Dudek from the Federal Communications Commission.”

Sweating like a melting candle shaped like a massive cock, Ryba said, “I bet I’m not the first person to tell you that your surname is the greatest living surname they’ve ever heard. Dudek for Christ’s sakes! That’s one letter switch away from dudes!”

“You are actually. Now like I was saying, Im from the–“

“I’ll politely stop you there. All roles have now been filled and there weren’t many female roles anyway despite my warning that we’d look incredibly sexist and we’d be alienating half of our audience. Cassidy saw the logic but told everyone to call me a homo for the rest of that weekend and I was forced to take a piss bong so people could laugh at me.”

“And now I’ll stop you right there…” she trailed off, waiting for Charlie to confirm his name but he just carried on staring through her. “Your name please, sir.”

“Oh, sorry, I’m Charlie.”

“Okay Charlie, I’m from the Federal Communications Committee and I wish to speak with your CEO Lawrence Cassidy in person. No more bullshit and delay tactics. Is he available?”

“Now’s not a good time, Ms Dudus.”

“Now is the best time possible, Charlie. He could be in serious trouble with the law.  The sooner I speak with him, the sooner this’ll be resolved and the sooner you can carry on with whatever operation this is.”

“We’re making a TV series.”

“I don’t care.”

“So what’s he gone and done now?”

“I’m not at liberty to discuss this matter with anyone other than the CEO of this company who is listed as one Lawrence Cassidy.”

“So you can’t speak to me who’s been his best and arguably only buddy since college?”

“No.”

“Okay, I get it,” Ryba said, “You don’t trust Mexicans.’

“I’m narried to one.”

“Well, that’s your problem. Anyways, you’re going to have to wait given that this visit was unannounced.”

“I mailed the company last week with all of the necessary paperwork. I never received a reply.”

“Banged to rights, I suppose. We don’t have anyone checking our post at the moment. I mean we’re supposed to have a receptionist named Lara. She seemed lovely in the interview but I don’t think we’ve seen her since. So Just give us ten and you’ll be sitting opposite our CEO with his undivided attention.”

As Ryba began to shut the door, Ms Dudek asked if she could at leat sit in the waiting area.

“I’m really sorry but it’s currently uninhabitable due to a particularly busy weekend. Our cleaner Winnie normally arrives midday. We let her come and go as she pleases because she’s real as old, looks like she survived the Civil War. A walking miracle really.”

As Ms Dudek protested, Ryba shut the door and locked it. He then took a panoramic view of the office: four people were passed out on the floor, one of which was entirely naked. There was party garbage everywhere including half empty baggies of snow. Bruce was the only sign of life and he was eating cereal out of a dog bowl while scratching his arse and sniffing his finger. Marty was crashed on a filthy sofa, smoking weed and playing a video game. But much worse than all of this was a huge smiley face made from what looked like human shit stuck to the wall. And there was a lot of it.

“Holy macaroni, everything is fucking sideways.”

“What’s up, my man?”

Charlie looked over to Marty. “Imagine Planet Earth getting hit by a billion meteorites all at once.”

“Yeah, man, that’s a barbecue nobody asked for.”

“I need you to put that spliff down, stop playing that game, round everyone up who’s still alive and then clean this place up with immediate effect.”

“But I’m just getting the hang of this level.”

Ryba shook his arms around and farted while yelling,”The feds are at the fucking door, you three year old gonad!”

“Did you just ripsnort or did you actually go all the way because that stinks!”

“Give me that now,” Ryba yelled while he grabbed the controller out of Marty’s hands and threw it away. He then took the spliff from his lips and crushed it with his palm. “If you don’t do what I just said then I’ll fucking flay you alive and stick you in a vat of boiling petrol!”

“Okay, okay, man, I’ll sort it!”

“Ten fucking minutes, Marty!”

Ryba then dashed to Cassidy’s office and found him almost passed out, babbling nonsense to himself about how some TV network was only watched by overweight widows with glaucoma anyway.

“Cassidy!” Ryba yelled while he banged his fist on the desk.

Cassidy bolted up straight. “That better have been justified otherwise I’ll staple your balls to the wall and use them as a punchbag.”

“Shut it,” Ryba raged. “The FBI are at the door right fucking now and she’ll only speak with you.”

“Motherfucker!” Cassidy yelled while trying to find the conscious part of his brain. “You’re not just tripping, right? This isn’t just the comedown from that cactus tincture Peck was passing around on Saturday because it could just be that and then we’re all rainbows and lullabies again.”

“I’m not tripping, Cassidy. In fact I ain’t tripped since we took acid on the nightbus that time.”

“You mean, like, ten years’ ago?”

“Correct.”

“You fucking pussy.”

“We were talking about this last week and we can repeat it sometime next week. But right now this is an emergency situation way above my nonexistent pay grade.”

“Oh fuck you, Ryba! You know we’re making millions here.”

“Fuck me? Fuck you! I’m  about to jump off this ship any minute.”

“Listen, my chicano. Deep breaths. I’ll  handle it. And apologies for being a dick. I’m just feeling a little emotional.”

“Accepted.”

“So this visit could be about a number of things. How many of them are there?”

“Just the one.”

“Just the one? That’s fuck all, Ryba  Maybe it’s for intelligence on something I did or didn’t do last year or who even knows. Just send her in.”

“Wellm here’s the second problem: it looks like a very successful serial killer’s dungeon out there. And the worst aspect is that some barbarian has decided to draw a smiley face in their own shit.”

“That was me,” Cassidy says with a grin. “But relax, it ain’t nobody’s shit. Me and Orson got carried away after we made an order for one hundred brownies each from that store on the corner.”

“So whatcare we gonna do?”

“I’ll answer the door while you round up the peasantry and get them cleaning the place from top to bottom.”

“They should be doing that already or I’m going to murder Marty in cold blood.”

“Excellent. So I’ll stonewall her for a few minutes while everyone makes the place presentable. I’ll then bring her here and see what she has to say for herself. The blinds will be shut so you make those fuckers keep cleaning up otherwise I’ll drag each of them by their nipples all the way back to Skid Row.”

In that moment Ryba thought it was a good strategy so he agreed and got to it.

Meanwhile Cassidy hoovered up a line before making his way to the door.

* * * * *

A couple of minutes later Cassidy opened the door and found Ms Dudek standing there looking unimpressed.

“I take it you’re Lawrence Cassidy, listed as CEO of Give Me Head Productions.”

“That much is correct.”

“Well I’m Ms Penny Dudek.”

“You mean you’re a Pretty Penny.”

Rolling her eyes she said, “If I had a dollar tor everytime some creep said that to me, I could’ve bought a Caribbean island by now.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I don’t think it’s acceptable either. I should know better. You can ask any of my employees and they’ll tell you how much I care about women’s rights. And that includes fat women’s rights.  They need some help, too, yeah? It all makes me so angry. But anyway, please continue.”

“I’m from the Federal Communications Commission and I’m here to speak to you about a very serious matter.”

Cassidy looked a little terrified. “You’re from the FBI? I honestly don’t think I’ll be–“

“Sir, I’m not from the FBI. I’m from the Federal Communications Commission. We’re an entirely different operation. I’m  here for only one important matter and I’ll turn a blind eye to how you run your business. It’s none of my concern. Now please can we go inside and discuss this matter? “

“Can I hug you?”

“Of course not. This is a professional visit. And even if it wasn’t, I’d tell my husband about it and let him decide how to proceed.”

“Okay then, I get it, you win.”

“Look, Mr Cassidy, I’ve been very patient so far but this is really beginning to test my nerves. So can we please take this to somewhere a little more private? It won’t take long.”

“Okay, okay. I’ve got the main office which is also a private gym although that turned out to be a complete waste of money.”

“Just lead me to it.”

When they both entered Give Me Head HQ everyone present was stumbling around filling up big black bin bags. Ryba was wearing a pair of yellow rubber gloves and an apron, still working on the choco smile.

“It’s not poop,” he shouted towards Ms Dudek who didn’t quite hear.

“Pardon me?”

“Ignore this guy,” Cassidy said, “I only gave him a job because I felt a little sorry for him during the interview.”

“But my notes here state that Charlie Ryba is second in command.”

“That’s just an in-joke we have.”

By this point Ryba was close enough to speak without raising his voice. “You see that suspect brown smudge over there? I was just saying that from a distance it looks like poop but its not. It’s actually chocolate brownies. They still taste quite fresh actually.”

“Then lick it away, you stupid fucking mongoose,” Cassidy hissed. He then turned to Ms Dudek. “Now do you see?”

“As clear as day.”

“My office is right here.”

When the two stepped inside, he began ripping down all the glamour posters as fast as possible. “I don’t know why they keep putting these up. They know perfectly well how much I oppose posters of young women showing off their pussy, Not pussy, that sounds terrible. Let’s call it a honey pot which is more respectful, I think. What do you call yours? Well, not yours specifically. I mean in general? My father used to call them thatched houses which drove my mother insane.”

Cassidy finally sat down opposite to Ms Dudek who looked slightly annoyed by what she’d just heard whereas Cassidy somehow believed he’d won her over.

“So how can I be of any assistance to you.”

“Mr Cassidy, it’s come to our attention, not long after your audition period ended, that your company name–Give Me Head Productions–is potentially breaking the law.”

“Oh, come on! Don’t you see that’s all just sour grapes? A few shitty actors got rejected and took their revenge by reporting us to you. Case closed, right?”

“I’m afraid not, Mr Cassidy. These reports were most likely made by residents living not too far from here. But even if it was sour grapes, this wouldn’t mean the complaint is somehow null and void.”

“I know how the law works.”

“I’m sure you do.”

“How else do you think I’ve gotten away with so much?”

“That’s none of my concern. So please listen carefully. Nothing you say today is going to change a thing. I look at reports and, based on the law, decide whether something is potentially obscene. We believe in this particular case we have a strong legal argument that your company name meets the threshold for public obscenity which is a criminal offence. We could look to pursue this matter through the courts which nobody wants.”

“Hang on a fucking minute: you’re trying to say that my company’s name is obscene?”

“Potentially obscene, yes. My interpretation is that give me head refers to a man asking a woman to perform oral sex act on him.”

“Could be man on man. I’ve seen that before. Or what about a fucking donkey, if you think about it. It doesn’t have to be a woman giving the head. She coould also be in receipt of head.”

“It’s actusly irrelevant who is providing the head. The head remains.”

“What about who’s receiving the head then? That could be a woman.”

“That’s also irrelevant, Mr Cassidy.”

“So basically anything I say about who is sucking on what cock, it’s all irrelevant to you. Is there anything that is relevant to you people? Please throw me a fucking bone here!”

“What matters is whether a court of law agrees with us that it’s obscene and therefore in breach of obscenity laws. Or he sides with you and agrees that it’s merely distasteful and therefore protected by the First Amendment.”

“You’ve got to be one of those old Amish fossils who hasn’t been laid for a century to think giving head is an obscenity. I thought this was the Land of the Free? I voted Reagan in as well. Can’t I chat to him about it over the phone and get it ticked off as a mistake? He’d agree with me over you on this one. In fact I bet he’s taking head as we speak.”

“Don’t be so flippant.” Ms Dudek sighs. “Mr Cassidy, as you can imagine, I’m very busy. I suggest you seek legal advice af your earliest opportunity.”

“Let me try one last thing.”

“After this I’m leaving.”

“Okay so when I  was thinking about a company name, the give bit refers to, like, we, the people in this company, we are giving our series away to everyone. Me, and this is true, Me is an ancient Nordic word for gift. It’s so obscure it’s not written down anywhere. As for head; you can live without legs and arms, without a kidney, possibly a lung although I’m not sure about that. But one thing you can’t live without is your head. So now the company name translates to we’re giving a gift to the most important part of somebody: the head. And what do you do with your head? You do what humanity has always done which is think and that’s what people shuld do before pointing their fingers. That means checkmate. So throw your stupid fucking legal arguments into the can on the way out and cancel any court dates otherwise you could be seen as wasting police time. Now have a nice life annoying people just for trying to provide an important service while helping hard working Americans to pay their bills.”

“I suggest you read this when I’m gone. It tells you everything you need to know about the legal proceedings.” She places a small folder on Cassidy’s desk and walks out of the office without saying goodbye.

“I’ve got the best HR team in California,” Cassidy yells. “And the most expensive lawyer in the fucking world who still owes my father a favour which I’ve inherited. So you are completely wasting your time! “

Ryba suddenly appeared at the door looking worried. “Shut it, Cassidy! The feds will come down on you twice as heavy now!”

“It wasn’t the feds, you fucking wally.”

“Who was she then?”

“Some clueless cunt telling me that we need to change our business name because it’s obscene. I told her to get the fuck out of here.”

“Do you think that’s wise?”

“I do actually. And Ryba, sorry for belittling you before. It was the first thing that came to mind and I was already feeling pissed off by that fucking moron snooping around.”

“”You know me, Cassidy. I take nothing personally when it comes from you.”

“Anyway, fuck them. I’ve already got the best legal team in the world behind me.”

“Exactly,” Ryba said humouring him.

“Well, Penny Pissyknickers left this for you to read, I need you to go over it and then explain it in really brief bullet points. No more than five words per bullet point and each word should be no longer than two syllables. My head is fucking pickled here and I feel like a private wank might help although I have a severe case of coke cock.”

“I’ll sort it Cassidy. Just get some rest.”

“Close the door behind you and change the sign to Do Not Resuscitate.

* * * *

About an hour later Ryba appeared again.

“I’ve given up,” Cassidy said to him, sprawled on the crude office carpet, his shirt unbuttoned.

“But you’ve got so much left to live for,” Ryba said with a little wave of glee washing over him, hoping to hell that Cassidy’s going to have another breakdown and cancel this project at last.

“I mean wanking, Ryba. I’ve given up on wanking. For a few more weeks at the least. It’s like trying to give mouth to mouth to a jellybean. And, yes, I  regret saying  jellybean. Replace it with whatever your favourite candy is.”

“That’s easy: Candy Coins.”

“And what the fuck are Candy Coins exactly?”

“Moira is working on it as we speak, she’s going to single handedly map out the entire underground digital currency that criminals use to trade illicit goods and services. Say like a network where criminals buy things like the services of a contract killer or even wholesale drugs.”

“That actually sounds crazy good. You can imagine people doing that in the future. Candy Coins sounds just a bit gay though. We might have to scrap that. Anyway, what’s the letter saying?”

“Basically you have three months to change the name and then another three and another three blah blah blah.”

“We’ll be living on super yachts by then.”

“Precisely. Plus I called my friend Jimmy who works in law. He said they hardly ever take these types of cases forward because despite President Reagan wanting to be seen doing crack downs, there’s been massive budget cuts which makes a court case like this too risky. He reckons they’ve probably chosen you because they thought you were producing porn. But now they know you’re actually making the best TV series since I Love Lucy, they’ll probably leave you alone once they realise the mistake.”

“I fucking knew I was speaking to a moron,” Cassidy said as he stands up. “Well this is a cause for celebration. It’s party time at Give Me Head HQ. Spread the gospel far and wide. And let’s order some big tittie strippers this time.”

“Sounds super fun to me.”

---

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