“Awright, guv. Come an’ Worzel me fackin’ bag coz I only ‘ave t’ best Persians in tarn.” –Skidz

District: Roadkill Boondocks (surely?)

Occupation: This dipshit marks the beginning of a cruel end.

The only information we have on this sad, playable character is–just to rub salt in the wounds–a resignation letter we’ve found dated August 25th, 1988. Here it is verbatim:

Cassidy,

I’ve finally found my life jacket so it’s time to get off this sinking, stinking, captainless ship. I should’ve done that day one but oh well. Is what it is is.

The breaking poynt came yesteday when yu gathered us all together in the office to infom us that you had encountered tempary funding issues, but it was nothing for us to worry about.

You then said that those in the creative development department (which doesn’t even exist) mmust look at ways to make characters “even better like in Spaceballs” but which “won’t cost us a single dime”.

When Bruce asked you for an example, you told him to perhaps give a character one of those “crazy European accents they have in Landan”.

This is the fucking limit! If you serusly believe in your coke drenched, psychobabble brane that the Cyberia project can be saved by a character with a stupid accent then you need your head caving in with a baseball bat. Just one massive goodnight swing!

While I have your attenshun, you surely must know by now that marty has spent the entire summer squatting in the locker room upstairs, smoking endless cartel big bud and devotedly trying to get the highest score on After Burner. That’s the summ of his contribution.

Pecker is also as useless as an ice cream condom and a total creepball. Why does he always smell of cottage cheeese? He’s also incredibly shit at everything he’s involved with. All he does is waft around in the background like a ghost’s fart.

This one time I was sitting in a meeting with him and for a bonding  exercise, we were told to pass a joint to each other. When you received the joint, you had to toke it and immediately name ur favourite sci-fi movie. You then had to review it in in less than a minute by using your favourite character’s voice.

When it came to Peckerr, he was sweating like André the Giant in a diabetic coma. No shit, he looked around and said, “Cosmic Gunsmith,“ which we all knew doesn’t exist.

Pecker looked around again to see if he had gotten away with it. Nobody said a word, but Alberto had to push some giggles back down his throat.

Pecker suddenly stood up and began to hop around like a leprechaun with pins in his shoes, yelling inaudible tusker. It was a sight to behold and when he finished his performance, the room went stiff and cold while everyone wondered what they had just bore witness to.

I tell you this coz Pecker’s performance sums up my time here.

So fuck you, Cassidy, and the horse you rode in on. I’m officially down and out in Paris and Silicon.

R.

It’s such a tragedy that this is how things panned out. From everything we’ve looked at, we still believe the talent was there. They just lacked direction.

Preferred Weapon: Cobraaa.

Anything else?: Nope.

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