Duncan “Dildo Master” Marshall had just finished a gruelling internship at a New York advertising agency. He was waiting for an appointment at a careers office, browsing the classifieds of a Visit the Golden State tourism pamphlet when something caught his eye:

Calling all marketing mavericks!

Our fresh new team is looking for somebody capable of marketing dildos to convents. So long as you believe that this describes your character–master of the dildo sales–then we will give you a job (not by mouth, guffaw!).

No references required; we rely on vibes. No drug testing. You just need to be self-reliant because we all got shit to do.

Give Me Head Productions

After calling the number and making a good impression, the team agreed to fly Duncan out for an interview and told him to bring enough underwear for the summer.

When he finally got to the interview room several days later, CEO Cassidy and his sidekick Charlie Ryba stood up right away.

“Can you believe it?” Cassidy said.

“Believe what?” Dunc said, a little puzzled.

“I ain’t even shook your hand and you’ve already got the job.”

Duncan looked over his shoulders. “Seriously?”

“As serious as a testicular lump,” Cassidy said. “You are the Dildo Master.”

“You got me on Candid Camera or some stupid shit?”

“Don’t get too excited, kid,” Ryba muttered, “You haven’t read the small print.”

After hearing out his interviewers, Dunc grumbled and groaned, and said yes so long as they can at least provide free accommodation for the summer. Charlie promised his remaining spare room (the other spots were already taken including the closet under the stairs), and so Duncan was ready to rumble.

Duncan turned out to be another valuable member of the Give Me Head team. He brought more experience than most when it came to translating ideas scribbled on notepads into something tangible.

The above video and images are examples of his keen eye for marketing slogans and campaigns. It was only because of a rapidly decreasing budget that his ideas were later reduced to garbage. All except the animation which he worked on with Bruce Brooks who was as good at animation as he was workplace theft.

Duncan’s contribution to the Cyberia Universe was coming up with the megacorp Chipmunk, whose ingenious slogan was: “Munkey Chips for Chipmunks” but then he changed it to “SURVIVAL IS YOUR RIVAL” which was even better but we’ve only found one usage of it so far.

From the snippets of notes we have restored and read, it appears that Chipmunk was another evil tech company. They manufactured and surgically installed computer chips which allowed subscribers to enter a virtual reality playground where they could spend their candy on stupid gadgets and gambling in the Screamer. Plus some free fairly rubbish software ranging from a Cyberpig detector to accurate weather reports because as we all know inaccurate weather report are of little use to anyone. The only stickler is that everything in this utopia costs a fortune and is deliberately more addictive than Gunther’s crystal pizza.

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