Depending on the click journey you have embarked on to get here, you may have already come across Damien. In a nutshell we visited him a couple of months ago when we were last in the U.S of Ace. He helped us to time travel back to the ’80s by restoring some old film reels. What he found is now scattered across this website (with more to follow).

Out of the blue, Damien has recently contacted us. He first explained that he’s had a fall out with his old man so he hasn’t yet spoken to him about the possibility of knowing some of the heads who worked for Give Me Head Productions. We said no problemo rather than we don’t really care.

Damien then told us that he’d dived into the reels again with a friend who is more experienced than he is. This time, with better equipment, they’d managed to find a complete trailer for the television series which is now in excellent condition thanks to his buddy’s sorcery skills. And unlike the other clips, this one actually has sound.

This was news to us because we were of the impression that there wasn’t a completed trailer. We are aware that when the Cyberia project was about to be flushed down the bog, Cassidy had demanded that people get a pilot episode and a trailer together which turned out to be impossible.

Naturally we decided to dive into some of the yet to be explored material to see if we could find anything more. After the first week we gave up and decided to check if there was anything online.

We couldn’t find bugger all so be sure to check back here for updates.

The following is an account of what might have happened based on the tiny amount of information we know to be factually correct…

Desperate Measures

After the Cyberia project died, the whole team, minus Cassidy and Ryba, walked away. They’d finally admitted to themselves that it had all been for nothing. They couldn’t even bring themselves to include it on their future CVs out of shame and embarrassment.

However, the next morning a team member entered Give Me Head HQ for the first time in weeks.

Noddy had spent his absence trying to convince his ex-manager at the video store to take him on again, but he was having none of it. Noddy begged and pleaded like a man about to be executed by the “broom up the arse” method. But finally, after his manager threatened to call the cops, Noddy told him to fuck off and gave up.

With nowhere else to go, Noddy decided that for the time being, he’d go back to Give Me Head HQ and figure out a master plan while pretending to be extremely busy on an important assignment.

But when Noddy returned, he found the office deserted and became concerned.

“Maybe the zombie apocalypse has actually begun this time,” he said as he tiptoed from room to room. “I should’ve gotten supplies.”

Noddy then found Cassidy who was still lying on the brown commercial carpet of his office following the recent employee exodus. He’d been snoring like a pig with a broken nose for more than 24 hours.

“I fucking knew it!” he yelled as he picked up a plastic file, scared to death.

He then bent over Cassidy and hit him on the head. Cassidy bolted upright, making a tremendous guttural noise.

“Please don’t kill me!” Noddy yelled as he fell against the wall and slid down to his arse. While crying actual tears, he looked over at Cassidy through his fingers.

“What the fuck was that?” Cassidy said, scratching the side of his head.

“You’re still alive!” Noddy shouted as he stood up again. “We need to barricade the doors and windows immediately!”

“What the fuck are you talking about, Chinfluff?”

“It’s just me and you, Cassidy. Everyone else must’ve headed to the mall.”

“Why the fuck would they do that?” Cassidy said, fumbling for a cigarette.

“Something terrible has happened.”

“Chill your boots,” Ryba said, appearing in the doorway, holding a bottle of rum. “Cyberia is dead.”

“Shut it,” Cassidy said, lighting up a cigarette. “It’s not dead. It’s having a nap. You really think I didn’t want them all gone?”

“I never doubted you for a minute.”

“Yeah right,”Cassidy sneered. “Don’t think I don’t know that you fucked off with the rest of them. If you weren’t best man at my wedding, I would give you a disciplinary over this table and believe me, you wouldn’t be able to walk for a week.”

“I wasn’t best man at your wedding. I wasn’t even at your wedding. I didn’t even know you were married.”

“Whatever.”

“What the hell is going on?” Noddy said as he picked up a can of beer and cracked it open, looking disappointed. “Is there no zombie apocalypse?”

“Nope,’ Cassidy said. “Just a hopes and dreams apocalypse. Look, I told everyone that the company has run out of money which is true. But what I didn’t tell them is that in order to secure five million in funding, all we have to do is scrape a trailer together.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that?” Ryba said.

“We needed to get rid of the dead wood which was basically everybody. Then me, you and Noddy could finally roll around in lots of money.”

“Genius, ” Noddy said. “Absolute genius. So let’s shoot the trailer over.”

“Well,” Cassidy said. “Here’s the thing: we don’t have one.”

“Okay,” Noddy said. “Let’s get all of the reels together and make one. I know how to splice video tape.”

“Well, here’s the other thing: there isn’t enough footage to make one.”

“I fucking knew it!” Ryba yelled as he kicked the desk. “So what the fuck are we going to do?”

“Relax, cunt. I have it all figured out. Later tonight we’re going to break into that video store down the way, steal every last cyberpunk movie on the shelves and then cut together a trailer using as much of our own footage as possible.”

“I love this!” Noddy said with a grin. “I can actually get us inside without triggering any alarms because I know them like the grooves on my mom’ ass. She’s pretty much a vegetable now. I have to change her diapers.”

“That’s kind of you, Chinfluff,” Cassidy said. “Now can someone loan me fifty bucks for one final party run?”

Last Chance to Dance

Later that night, when Cassidy was in his safe space of being extremely high, he insisted that they make use of the fancy dress costumes people had worn during the gazillionth office party.

So Noddy dressed up like Freddy Kruger, Ryba dressed up like Leatherface and Cassidy was wearing the stupid chicken outfit. All three were drunk and high, and they’d gotten the giggles which meant the short journey over to the video store took five times as long.

Every thirty steps somebody would burst out laughing and start rolling around the floor while passing a bottle of rum between them.

At one point Cassidy puked all over himself while in a fit of laughter. “I can’t take much more,” he said. “I think I’m going to die.” He then puked up again which triggered laughing fits in the other two.

* * *

Eventually they arrived at the empty video store car park.

“We need to go round the back.”

The three of them trundled round to the rear of the store where Noddy walked up to a steel push button lock.

“Now when we enter,” Noddy whispered. “We have to be extremely quiet. No laughing or fooling around because it could set off the alarm.”

“Fuck that,” Cassidy said. “Let’s just go in, grab some action movies and then run back to the office.”

“The cops will be here in minutes so we really can’t trigger the alarm.”

“Don’t be a pussy,” Cassidy said. “I’ll buy the cops. It’s only some old video cassettes. I’ll double their annual salary and I’ll even request that they drive us back to the office.”

Of course we now know that this was no longer feasible. Cassidy didn’t have a dime to his name.

“Not every cop can be bought off,” Ryba said.

“What the fuck would you know about buying anybody off? You’re broke as shit.”

“Fellas!” Noddy whispered. “Save your lovers’ tiff until we get back to the honeymoon suite.”

“Okay, Okay,” Cassidy said. “Whatever you say. I need another bump so let’s just get on with it.”

Noddy nodded and turned back to the lock. He then tapped in a sequence of numbers. A click and then he carefully and quietly pushed open the door. The other two followed him inside.

The lights were already on and directly in front of them was some fella sat in a deck chair. His pants were pulled down to his ankles and in his latex-gloved hand was a less than average-sized cock taking a vicious beating. The fella was staring at a small television screen which projected some Japanese cartoon porn.

He must’ve heard something because he slowly looked over his shoulder at the three men,  never ceasing to stop beating his pecker black and blue.

When it clicked in his head that he now had an audience, panic gripped him. He lurched forward and kicked the TV over, causing it to break. He then fell to the floor, struggling to get his trousers up to his waist.

“Don’t mind us,” Cassidy said.

“It’s not what it looks like,” the man wailed, wrestling with his own waist. “I swear it’s perfectly normal in Japan.”

“Drake!” Noddy yelled, his face free of the Kruger mask.

“Do you know this perv?” Cassidy said.

“He’s my old dirty boss.”

“You can have your old position back starting tomorrow,” Drake said. “And a pay rise. Just promise me you won’t tell a soul.”

“I think I’ll take your position instead and you can have mine if you like.”

“Fine. Just don’t tell anyone and it’s all yours.” He then looked mildy snide. “Wait a second. What are you doing here? And who are these two tearoom traders?”

“We’re stealing some videos,” Noddy said.

“So you’re breaking the law too. I guess we’re even then.”

“You’re fucking joking!” Cassidy sniggered. “If this was a game of rock, paper, scissors, you’d be stabbed with the scissors, crushed under a two ton boulder and, I don’t know, you’d have a War and Peace’s worth of paper stuffed up your ass which, judging from this encounter, you’d probably enjoy. Better still Chinfluff here has two witnesses who can testify that you are a certified perv. Meanwhile the only witness you have is that fucking glove which looks like it’s been marinating in wallpaper paste.”

“You make a great point,” Drake said, shrugging his shoulders. “Can anyone get hold of lots of drugs?”

“I think I’m beginning to like this guy…”

The Finished Product

The above trailer is the very one that the three Musketeers scraped together. The movies they stole clips from were Mindless Murders in Minneapolis II and VII featuring Tam Crump, Soviet Scum III also featuring Tam Crump, Cyber Pete and Planet Bastard VIII.

We believe that Noddy provided the voice over because Ryba sounded like a wimp and Cassidy was off his tits. We think Ryba did all of the actors’ voice overs which were mostly scrapped for being rubbish. We’re not sure about Cassidy’s contribution. It’s possible sthat he had disappeared to beg for drugs off of the almighty kingpin El Sapo.

We rummaged through some files and found cover letters addressed to various cable channels and tin pot production companies. We don’t yet know if copies were sent out so stay tuned.

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