Another invention that the tech and gadgets team worked on was the Ubercomputer. Back in the summer of ’88, big things were happening in the computing world. The legendary Amiga 500 was ruining the social lives of adults and their children; Windows 2.0 had been released the year before, indicating just how much computers were going to revolutionise/ ruin our lives; and the Give Me Head team had somehow managed to get hold of an advanced copy of Altered Beast.

It would take another two decades before us numpties in the Anal-World started to cotton on to the awesomeness of computer technology, but slowly we came. Truth is that in ’88 computers were seen as esoteric witchcraft used by evil scientists or provided a digital social club where bedridden nerds would party hard.

Furthermore, in the collective imagination at least, computers were seen as something people used in the distant future; in either dystopia or utopia depending on which movie they’d watched or novel they’d read. Either way, regular Joes believed that the computer boom was coming, but it was as far off into the future as the invention of the wheel was in the past.

Kapi understood that the team needed to get this bit right. The Skanna might have been underwhelming, but the Ubercomputer was going to make up for it. However, everything they tried just didn’t seem to click. As we can see from the above collection of photographs and illustrations, each attempt was met with scathing criticism. According to the minutes of several team meetings, the person whose idea was being sniped would order somebody to meet them in the car park for a fist fight.

It seemed like a hopeless situation and kept Kapi up every night. He was teetotal, but for the first time in his life, he was contemplating smoking one of the peace pipes.

One night he called his cousin in Kolkata for help:

“They are all useless, Vikram. I do not know what to do. I might start swearing.”

“Don’t do that, Kapi. Swearing is not good for the soul. What is the problem exactly?”

“We need to invent an Ubercomputer.”

“What is that?”

“Do you know the cyberpunk, Vikram?”

“I do not know it. Explain.”

“It is like Doctor Who but with better guns.”

“Doctor who?”

“Yes, Doctor Who.”

“I don’t know Doctor Who.”

“Do you know Star Warts?”

“I know Star Warts. Little green man and furry fat man.”

“Well, it’s like Star Warts but everyone kills everyone and they all take naughty drugs. We need to come up with their computers of the future. Computers for naughty people.”

There was a contemplative pause before Vikram said, “Computers for naughty people?”

“Yes, Vikram. Naughty people in Star Warts who take drugs and have better guns than Doctor Who.”

“I think I know the solution, Kapi.”

“Do tell.”

“Wires and leads. Lots of loose wires and loose leads.”

“Vikram, you are the best cousin in the whole world!”

“Let me know how it goes.”

The next morning Kapi held a team meeting.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I have come up with a solution. Wires and leads everywhere! It is cheap and it is better than Star Warts.”

Kapi could finally sleep at night. At least for a short while. His next assignment, however, was a horrorshow.

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