A classic example of the Give Me Head employment strategy would begin with suddenly realising that such a monumental television series required specialist knowledge (for example futuristic technology design). CEO Cassidy would tell everyone to assign a “top team of titties” to it. Regardless of talent, specialist area (if applicable) or ability, the people who were struggling to justify their presence would hold up their hand, hoping this role was enough to save them. The same day they would be unfairly outed as frauds (unfairly because they were all frauds) and sacked.

Next, quick fire job interviews would desperately try to ensnare somebody out there who had even the faintest idea of the specialist subject matter. Once they found a suitable candidate, however tenuous, they would leap for joy. In their minds, that was problem solved.

Enter Kapil “Kapi” Dutta; an Indian national who had been fired from his most recent short-lived job at a car manufacturer for gross negligence, narrowly avoiding a court hearing after causing somebody to lose a pinky finger. He desperately needed another job to avoid getting booted out of the country.

Like pretty much all of the employees at Give Me Head Productions, Kapi had wandered in off the street, wondering what people were queueing up for only to end up sitting across from Cassidy and Charlie Ryba an hour later, trying to look like they knew what was going on.

That morning had gone particularly bad. Out of all of the candidates, two were homeless and just wanted a coffee, one was looking for her drug dealer and another tried to sell them a copy of a doomsday bible, refusing to leave until everyone had prayed to the Patron Saint of Bullshit.

When Kapi was in the hot seat, he realised right away that his interviewers were either idiots, on drugs or both (it was both).

“Do you have any experience in technology design, Mr Dutta?” Cassidy asked. “Any experience at all?”

“Designing technology, you say?”

“Yes, like, anything at all. Absolutely anything. Just give us anything.”

“My cousin designs robot cartoon characters for a bubblegum company in Kolkata.”

“Yes!” Charlie screams while punching the air. “Yes, yes, yes!”

Meanwhile Cassidy is praising the sky above saying, “Halle-fucking-lujah! At long last.” He then turns to Kapi. “Congratulations, Mr Dutta. You’ve got the job.”

Problem solved.

…apparently.

We will be looking at several of the ideas which Kapi and his team played around with, starting with the Skanna; a mobile phone which had a list of special functions. These functions, though amusing, were useless.

Apparently the Skanna was the “Swiss army knife of digi-tech”. It was capable of not only making and receiving calls on a secure encrypted network, but it could also predict with 99% accuracy when it would next rain by detecting traces of humidity in the atmosphere. It could tune into live broadcasts at the Screamer Arena and access legal and illegal marketplaces. You could gamble away your candy yet also play exclusive futuristic video games like Galaxy III: Guns and Goons edition. You could even use its antenna to open beer bottles.

In all fairness it wasn’t a million miles away from today’s mobile phones so this is an excellent start. Let’s hope the other technologies are just as charming.

Next stop: the Ubercomputer.

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