“I’d beat Joey Knuckles in a fight. And by ‘beat’ I mean beat his brains until they look like a ground meat smoothie.” -Ninj

District: Megacorp Valley

Occupation: Mixed martial artsist who has trained extensively in raging butterfly kicking box (a spelling blunder which should of course read kick boxing).

Ninj is a force to be reckoned with. He’s been a regular performer at the Screamer Arena for only a year and has an impressive track record. The fact that he’s still alive means he has already killed eight contenders.

It must be said that his last fight against McMachine was a close call. The initial fight went on for two hours on a sliding scale of quality. Finally both contenders collapsed in complete exhaustion.

Despite the audience booing and throwing shitty nappies into the ring, both contenders fell fast asleep. Apparently this happens every so often. But because only one person can leave the ring alive, everyone had to wait for them to wake up. The Cyberia record for the longest double slumber in the ring is 9 hours.

After roughly ten minutes McMachine began to snore like a walrus. The audience hushed to complete silence and waited for something to happen.

According to some notes we found, it was a “loud guttural rumble which sounded like a constipated elephant trying to give birth to a humongous dump”. Everyone watched as the kicking box master slowly came back to life, trying to figure out what was going on.

Soon Ninj was back on his feet while McMachine moved into the fetal position, still rumbling away. Ninj held his index finger to his lips and tiptoed over to McMachine. He then stood over his opponent, did some ninja moves with his hands and finished with a raging butterfly kick to McMachine’s temple. It was instant death: death by snoring so loudly that you wake your opponent who then takes the opportunity to kill you. What a way to go.

In the background of all this, fans begin calling for a fight between Joey Knuckles and Ninj. It’s estimated that such a showdown would lead to billions of candy coins getting traded on bets alone. Therefore a scheduling is imminent and only the best man can walk away.

If Knuckles loses then the ramifications will be tremendously awful. Scotch Mike will have to somehow intervene and prevent the fight from going ahead. On principle Knuckles would never agree to it.

Scotch Mike will need to come up with a plan of action. This will have to incorporate the possibility that he loses the invaluable skills of Knuckles. If this was to happen then Scotch Mike would need to find a replacement. Could he turn to Ninj for help or perhaps just assassinate him? As the land lies, the situation is bleak.

Preferred weapon: Some sort of lightsaber rip off.

A message for the kids: To become a ninja like me requires a lot of training. You have to be prepared to play at least 6 hours of arcade beat ’em ups every single day.

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