“I control the entry point at the Boondocks and you look like someone I wouldn’t allow through.” –Yan

District: Roadkill Boondocks

Occupation: Boondocks border guard.

Yan has lived in the Boondocks all of his life and has only seen it deteriorate with more poverty and crime which, to be fair, is a mirror image of everywhere else in Cyberia.

The Roadkill Boondocks is by far the most hostile, impoverished district in the Cyberia Universe. Many inhabitants try to move away in search of a better life only to return within 24 hours, gobsmacked that what they’ve seen beyond the barricade is equally as goosed; that is unless you have more candy at your disposal than a morbidly obese person’s hidden snack draw.

Worse still, the Hell Fire Crew (who you can read about here) is a big gang of savages who are always trying to forcibly “recruit” new members. They live deep in the desert, riding around on rusty motorcycles. Several members of Yan’s family have joined up over his lifetime.

It’s clear from the get-go that Yan has had more than he can stomach. His whole life has been a battle against the desert sand getting in his boots while regularly resorting to eating the unsavoury scraps of yesterday’s roadkill as to temporarily put a stop to his gurgling belly pangs.

Worse still his family shack, an old beaten trailer, provides zero comfort after a full 24 hour shift fighting with the scum trying to get in and out (mostly out) of the gates, hoping to find a better life.

It’s important to note that there was a crucial incident years ago. Yan had tried to escape the Boondocks by hiding beneath a fuel truck with only a bottle of water and a pair of dirty underwear to his name. He had no idea where it was heading, but after a couple of days, the truck stopped and the driver climbed down next to where he was hiding.

Yan held his breath while the driver suddenly started to pee, specks of it hitting his face. Yan was sure he wouldn’t be spotted and started to count in his mind as a distraction, repeating when he reached six which was all he could manage.

The unintended consequence of this is that it allowed Yan’s mind to wander and he began to think about how funny it would be if he farted. Next thing hysterical laughter slowly begins to choke him, and soon he’s pinching his nose and filling up his cheek, trying desperately to keep it all down.

Within seconds he’s running out of breath and his eyes are bulging. Tears are streaming down his face and he’s losing the battle. When he can no longer breathe, it all erupts out of his nostrils like an angry volcano. As he laughs uncontrollably, he feels a gun press up to the back of his skull.

“Slowly roll out from under my truck with your goddam hands where I can see them.”

“Okay, okay,” Yan gasps, still getting rid of the last giggles. “I’m not armed. I was just trying to escape the Boondocks.”

Next thing, Yan is escorted to the passenger seat of the truck and it’s slowly crawling through suburban streets. A gun is fixed on the dashboard and pointing directly at his face. All the driver has to do is press a button and Yan is egg flan.

Yan dared not ask questions which means he was providing his own answers; all of which were totally grim and stacking up at an alarming rate. Whatever the outcome, he was going to be dead.

Yan began to observe the driver in his peripheral, sensing that he was pissed off at the stalling traffic. It wasn’t long before the driver threw his arms in the air, calling somebody a useless fuck.

Yan seized the opportunity. He leaned over onto the driver, getting out of the line of fire, and forced the truck to crash. Because it was moving slowly, the impact jolted the driver more than Yan so he quickly crawled out of the passenger window and began to run.

Yan dived through the nearest door, yelling for help. He then looked around to see a bunch of barbarians wearing all black leathers and sporting an interesting array of seasonal mullets. Heavy metal music was blasting out of a jukebox.

Everyone present turned and looked at him. Some began to point guns and one fella was holding a massive machete.

“For fuck sake,” he whispered while his eyes rolled into the back of his skull.

“Name, mother fucker!”

“Yan.”

“What the fuck brought you in here, souring the mood?”

“Listen, I’m a total pussy, guys. I’m not a threat to anyone. I just escaped from a truck after the driver took me hostage.”

As Yan finished that sentence, the door crashed open again. The driver was stood there holding a gun.

“Thought you could get away,” he yelled as he cocked his gun.

“Is this the guy who just kidnapped you?” One of the barbarians said.

“That’s him.”

And with that, the barbarians emptied their chambers, turning the driver into red cabbage soup.

Yan soon learned who this gang was. They let him drink for free as well as crash on the filthy pool table until the next day.

One fella called Earl even drove him all the way back to the Boondocks. He gave Yan the code to their Skanna and told him to call it if he ever needed anything.

Yan couldn’t believe what had happened. He put the code somewhere safe and vowed never to leave the Boondocks ever again.

Back to the Present…

When we first meet Yan, he’s all out of ideas regarding a viable escape plan and has accepted his fate. And then, like voodoo magic, his old buddy Tosh arrives back in the Boondocks after nearly 20 years.

The two meet up at the Sandy Gap Bar and Grill where they used to hang out as kids, drinking petrohol (an alcoholic beverage made with petrol) all night while playing on a vintage pinball machine from the Anal-World.

Tosh explains where he’s been all these years and Yan sucks it up with a straw made from a wildcat rib bone.

“They call it the Pleasure Strip,” Tosh says. “It’s like one big playground of digi-capitalism. You have to see it to believe it.”

“Wow,” Yan says. “Do they have things you can watch the Screamer Arena on? I sure miss that since the last screen shared by everyone in the Boondocks died five years ago. I often wonder if Joey Knuckles is still alive.”

“Man, dude,” Tosh says. “They have these massive computer screens everywhere, showing all sorts of totally rad videos.”

“The fuck is a computard screen?”

“It’s hard to explain, man. You really need to see it. And look at my forehead chip.”

“I was going to ask why you have a Christmas decoration glued to your nut.”

“It ain’t no decoration, man. It’s a monkey chip which allows me to see in the dark and shoot my gun more accurately.”

“That’s total banana.”

As this conversation goes on, Tosh explains that he’s only returned to the Boondocks to attend his brother’s funeral and that he’s going back to the Pleasure Strip in a few days. He tells Yan that he can leave with him if he likes. He can top and tail in a bath he’s renting in the cellar of a busy brothel.

In the blink of an eye, Yan agrees.

Two days later both characters are hitchhiking to the Pleasure Strip. Little did Yan know that this decision would change his life forever.

Preferred Weapon: The P-45. No comment.

Favourite hobby: metal detecting out in the desert. Occasionally Yan finds a remnant of the Anal-World: an email bank, a mini compact disc jukebox, a mobile phone the size of a mobile home etcetera.

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